I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
she went to type in rate my professors and rate my pussy came up in my recent searches. needless to say, i will likely be masturbating to the aforementioned site tonight.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
