Pregnant stripper...not hot.
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
