i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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