I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Randomize
