peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
Are my feet made of real feet?
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
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