I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
