I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
