He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Randomize
