Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize