Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Randomize
