ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
