wrigley field is MILF paradise
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
Randomize
