Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
