I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
going to class early so i have time to go on the moonbounce. this is why i go to art school.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
