I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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