So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
