I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
