My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize