dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
