i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize
