When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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