Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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