I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
There is a new fb quiz: "are you at ypical woman, future ex or from crazy town" - should i take it?
Aren't all three of those the same though?
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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