I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
Randomize
