Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Randomize
