God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Randomize