now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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