hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
Randomize
