I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize
