If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
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