Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
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