If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
