I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Randomize
