I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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