You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Randomize
