So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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