new low.... made out with someone while peeing
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize