at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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