Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
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