Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
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