I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
