someone get that fucking seahorse.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
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