Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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