I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
