I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
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