if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
