He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Randomize
