My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize