ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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