Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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