somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
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