sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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