i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
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