the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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