I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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