I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
