If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
Randomize