it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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