So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
Randomize
