i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
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