I wish I could teleport
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
he fucked my hip out of place.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
Randomize
