apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
