I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
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