i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
